“You Might Be A Taliban If…”

If you have known me personally for any length of time, you know that Jeff Foxworthy is one of my heroes.  The man is so incredibly funny because there is so much truth in his material!  Jeff Foxworthy’s original “claim-to-fame” are his redneck jokes (“You might be a redneck if…”).  Well, he’s come out with a new one!  (Actually, I have been unable to confirm whether or not these actually came from Jeff Foxworthy, or if what you see below is just a parody of  his work, but I think the ones in this first section are funny enough to credit him in any case!  So, without further ado, here are some interesting observations on the Taliban by that great philosopher, Jeff Foxworthy:

Jeff Foxworthy:  You Might Be A Taliban If…

1. You  refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral  objection to liquor.
2. You  own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket  launcher, but you can’t afford  shoes.
3. You have more wives  than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon  ”unclean.”
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can’t think of anyone you haven’t declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
10. You’ve always  had a crush on your neighbor’s  goat.

Credit for these obviously go to Jeff Foxworthy.

Video:  You Might Be A Taliban If…

Here’s a video featuring a song performed by some United States Marines that sends the message in a slightly different way:

More “You Might Be A Taliban If…”

Here are a few others I found when researching this.  To my knowledge, none of these actually come from Jeff Foxworthy.  Some are not as funny as others, in my own humble opinion, but all still make a good point:

1. You’ve often uttered the phrase, ” I love what you’ve done with your cave.”
2. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
3. You worship a rock and are determined to make the whole world worship your rock.
4. You’ll kill anyone that says you’re not peaceful.
5. You’d rather have your daughter raped than have an education.
6. You’d rather rape your daughter than let your brothers do it first.
7. You think an assault with fifty men and machine guns against a US Stryker Brigade may be successful.
8. Your mother would be happier if you blew up into a million pieces.
9. You revere an illiterate, murderous, misogynistic pedophile, yet will murder anyone who insults same.
10. You go visit a herd of sheep to find a date.
11. You think a camel with two humps is sexy.
12. You make your wives walk ahead of you to check for mines.
13. Your idea of a “good time” involves 72 virgins.
14. Your first car came with a bomb instead of seat belts.
15. Your idea of a mix tape is “Osama Reads the Koran”.
16. You refer to Al-Qaeda as a “one hit wonder”.
17. You’re torn between slowly torturing a family of 4 infidels, starting with the infant, or, just saying screw it and detonating your “liberation vest” in a crowd of kids seeking candy.  (choices, choices)
18. You don’t know whether to hold the muzzle with your stub and pull the trigger with your remaining finger, or vice-versa.
19. You believe masturbation is evil but beating your wife is OK.
20. You can’t have sex with your first wife until she turns 13.
21. You consider US soldiers uncivilized for dropping the Qur’an but you have no problem throwing acid in your wife’s face if she asks for a divorce.
22. You have at least four brothers named Mohammed.
23. You wear eyeliner but you have been acquitted at least once for murdering your wife, sister, or daughter because they wore makeup.
24. Your home doesn’t have drapes, but your camel does.
25. Your lifetime goal is to die.
26. You are the only group to hang a person for being gay AFTER you rape them.
27. You have a moral objection to unmarried sex, prostitution, and strip clubs….unless you’re about to martyr yourself.
28. You would sell your 9 year old daughter to a complete stranger, but you’d kill her if a stranger raped her because she had “shamed the family”.
29. Your only familiarity with a washing machine timer is to blow up cars.
30. You use unspeakable pornography on the internet to transmit your holy war information.
31. You have beard-envy of the members of ZZ Top but are willing to kill anyone for listening to their music.
32. You hate everything Western, except their vehicles, weapons, food, etc.
33. You bear insane hatred for the Jews but you’ve never met one nor know anyone who has.
34. You spend all day beating produce merchants who indecently displayed male and female vegetables together in violation of Islamic modesty but at night you worry if the vegetables you ate for dinner are having haram sex in your belly.
35. You oppose the growing of hashish because it is smoked by Afghans and Muslims but you promote the growing of opium because only the Western kaffirs use it.
36. You “safeguard” the honor of your women by imprisoning them in your mud hut, forbidding them from school, and beating them regularly.
37. You proclaim that Islam means peace but you fight every Muslim whose Islam differs from yours even a little.
38. You’re convinced you will rule the world yet you can’t figure out indoor plumbing.
39. Your only source of income is selling oil and your number one goal is to destroy all your customers.

And the best one of all…

Your second cousin is president of the United States!!!

Technorati Tags: Funny, Humor, Jeff Foxworthy, Taliban, Video

1. 

   Rickey says:

   July 27, 2010 at 1:49 pm

   Just another fine example of a great thread.
2. 

   Milton says:

   July 27, 2010 at 5:17 pm

   This is just one of those things, what can you do?